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surf is life. cinema is art. tv is furniture.
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I don’t watch much TV.
Fact.
It’s not a part of some grand statement against society, nor is it a view which I try to impose upon anyone else.
It’s just my choice.
I much prefer to go for an afternoon surf, spend time cooking a nice meal for my beautiful girlfriend, watch a movie or converse with my house mates.
Simple.
However, with a flat iPod and the need for some audible stimulation, I stupidly switched on the television.
I managed to catch one of those glorious televisual feasts that occur just following the news.
You know the one/s. If you don’t, you’ll catch on pretty quick.
Feature One - Supermarkets and Unit Pricing.
Apparently the world is coming to an end.
Supermarkets are introducing Unit Pricing.
Cue dramatic music and montage of $50 notes and supermarket aisles.
Apparently all this is going to result in is “lining the pockets of the supermarket fat cats with cash” and making it harder for, you guessed it, “working families.”
Now, I may be wrong, but how the fuck is letting consumers know how much something costs per 100 gms, or per 100 mls, a bad thing?
God forbid that consumers figure out how to get value for money for themselves, or have to make some miniscule calculations in their own heads.
Okay, so it’s granted that Woolworths and Coles have a pretty hectic duopoly on the supermarket industry, but we have to eat.
If you have a problem with this concept, grow a fucking vegie patch.
Feature Two - Mobile Phone Scams
This one is great.
Potentially the best of the night.
Man buys Zoo Magazine (if alarm bells aren’t already ringing, THEY SHOULD BE NOW).
Scratchie falls out of Zoo.
“Win A Mercedes”
Man scratches scratchie.
One liberty bell, two liberty bells, three liberty bells.
Man doesn’t win Mercedes.
Hmmm.
Man calls TV Show.
Man gets segment on TV Show.
Now, there is one important aspect missing here, which the Television show should have realised before putting this on the air.
MAN DIDN’T READ FINE PRINT.
All he was ever going to “win” was a subscription to a mobile phone promotion, for which he would have to pay for the text messages he received from said phone promotion anyway.
I often win absolutely nothing, and pay for numerous text messages everyday.
I should be a superstar.
This only furthered my opinion that anyone who reads Zoo should definitely lose something more than their two dollars in the exchange.
Something valuable.
Feature Three - Superannuation and Pensioners
I’m sorry.
If you work your entire life, having approximately 40 years to accumulate wealth, and plan on relying solely on a fund whose value is known to fluctuate on a daily basis, let alone over a period of decades, and then expect to be rolling around on a bed of money and snorting lines of rack off of groupies stomaches at the end of it all, then you’ve got another thing coming.
Please don’t act shocked when the rug is pulled from beneath you.
One word, two syllables.
Plan-ning.
Which gets me thinking about pensioners (another favoured topic of our good friends behind this show). How do these old bitties have the hide to complain about their rate of pay when they still get $70 a fortnight more than independent students living away from home? They too have had their whole lives to filter cash into numerous Cayman and Swiss bank accounts, but no, they beleive they deserve more money than students who are working toward a better life for themselves, and the country, whilst eating food comparable to what their cat devours.
Even Mittens doesn’t like it.
But anyway, onto…Feature Four - Saying No to Fad Diets with Angel (Gladiators)
This one had a little merit.
But not much.
As much merit as anything vaguely related to Gladiators is capable of having.
Okay, Angel has written a book (yeah I was surprised she could write too!) which gives us two principles for us to stick to whilst we stay away from fad diets.
1. Exercise
2. Nutrition
Hold up! By eating well and going for a run we will be better off? By doing healthy things and eating healthy foods, in turn, it will be healthy for us?
Thanks Captain Obvious!
Someone give this idiot an honourary doctorate.
So this one may have actually helped someone and I sincerely hope it did.
But you would forgive them if they were still sceptical about the rake thin blonde with fake boobs whose daily job used to involve working with people called Storm and Vulcan and a contraption called the travelator.
Now for the stroke of genius…
Feature Five - The No Sugar Fad Diet
What a televisual masterstroke.
I couldn’t think of anything better to follow on from a feature on the hopelessness of fad diets than, you guessed it, a story on a fad diet.
Talk about consistent journalism.
Plan-ning.
A once giganticly fat man (now merely morbidly obese) sings the praises of his diet containing obsolutely no sugar.
He doesn’t even have to do any exercise, the pounds are just falling off.
I’m thinking a (read: impending) heart attack will be the only thing that wakes this moron up.
I’m sorry fatty, if you want something in life, you have to DO SOMETHING to get it.Meanwhile…
All this makes it to TV whilst, on the same day, the South African government bans the Dalai Lama from attending peace talks in it’s country (makes sense?) and 9 peace-keeping officers are killed by insurgents in Afghanistan.
And I think to myself…
What a wonderful world.
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